Here's Hoping No Librarians Read This

My sister (let's give her an assumed name, Cordelia, so as not to blow her cover) is determined to go to heaven. To that effect, Cordelia only sins when she's under an umbrella (so God won't see). When she senses God is listening, she makes loud announcements about her plans to bake cookies for priests; and on Sunday mornings she hides under her covers so God won't be able to see that she's in bed instead of at Mass. (God can see through clouds and bedroom ceilings, you see, but not through umbrellas or blankets. You learn these things if you're brought up in a godly manner.)

The point is that if the Man Keeping Score doesn't know that Catherine, I mean Cordelia, has sinned, well then, she hasn't sinned.

Now, I don't believe in God, but I do believe in the authority of librarians. And I also got a big dose of the "sin" mentality growing up, and I have to say, it shows in my library behavior. I know how to break all the rules in the library and never get caught. I have an exemplary library record, I am going to library heaven, but do you have any idea how many sandwiches I ate and how many thermoses of tea I drank in the library yesterday?

Frankly, it's a stupid rule. No eating in the library? Nothing comforting and comfortable should be prohibited in a library (unless it makes loud noises). And besides, the idea behind the no-food rule is to keep the carpets and the furniture clean, and I gotta tell you, the dumb furniture would stay a whole lot cleaner if I didn't have to shove my sandwich into the crevices of this armchair to hide it every time a librarian looks at me.

(That being said, I don't blame that one librarian for getting a bit peeved the time he discovered me pouring Multi-Grain Cheerios and blueberries into an enormous vat of yogurt and stirring it up with a huge spoon. But I was off my game that day. I should've been using an umbrella.)

This random post is brought to you by the life philosophy of my friend Anastasia, aged 5: "I love life because I love sugar and I love everything on my hands!" (This philosophy is particularly applicable while eating a messy pizza bagel.)


Anonymous said…
my father is an atheist librarian. guess which alter i was brought up at?
Unknown said…
hopefully everyone reading this post has password protected computers so that god doesn't see and believe this blasphemy you've posted about cordelia.
Kristin Cashore said…
Dear Cordelia, I mean Catherine, when I try to follow the logic of that, my brain hurts. But that's probably because I've never had your implicit understanding of the workings of God.

Colorwheel, please don't tell you-know-who about my transgressions :o)
Britt said…
Hello :) Yes, I am almost a year behind on this, but as a librarian, I just wanted to let you know that I, too, eat in the library. At the desk. In plain view for all to see. But that’s because I am not going to be the one making the mess. Clearly. And I’m in charge, so I can do what I want! Anyway, that got away from me a bit. What I mean to say is, after seeing how many books come back to us covered in unidentifiable food stuffs, it only seems right that we allow people to eat in the library and really enjoy their experience. Or not starve if they become engulfed in their work and forget things like time and sustenance. Maybe they would be more careful that way, too. Also, food and drink is not the only way to dirty up our furniture, so I would stop hiding your food in it from now on. ;) Lastly, and I promise I am finished after this, hooray for people using libraries! Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.
Kristin Cashore said…
Bibsy, thanks for the laugh! And for keeping my secret :o)

And WELCOME to my blog!

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