Thursday, September 18, 2008

Who Are Your Character Crushes?

So, the other day in the grocery store, the two people in front of me were listing their celebrity crushes. Ewan McGregor; Kate Winslet; Colin Farrell; Colin Firth; John Stamos; Emily Mortimer; people I'd never heard of and therefore can't remember; the list went on and on. So I gave it some thought, and came to a conclusion about myself. Now, some of my friends are going to blow their drinks out of their noses when they read this, but nonetheless, here's the conclusion: I don't have celebrity crushes. (Just hold on, friends, because there's a second part to this, with which I will regain your trust:) I have character crushes. HUGE difference.


Take Jared Leto, for example. I don't really know much about Jared Leto, I'm pretty much indifferent to him, and in fact, I'd rather eat a moldy grape than watch Requiem for a Dream ever again.

But Jordan Catalano? I know and love Jordan Catalano -- I went to high school with Jordan Catalano -- maybe you do/did, too. Admittedly, he's kind of inarticulate and he doesn't have a very broad worldview. And he can't read. But it's not his fault, and he's working on it, and he has a really big heart. Besides, don't you just love the way he leans?


Next up in this scientific analysis: Matt Damon. I like his hometown. I'm all for a good peace sign now and then. I like that he lives in Florida now, so that together he, I, Cordelia, Joe, our various friends, and a whole lot of newly registered voters can turn this state blue in November. Oh, and I LOVED the Will and Grace episode called "A Chorus Lie" in which he plays Owen, a straight guy pretending to be a gay guy because he wants to win a spot on the gay chorus. Owen knows it's wrong to lie, but he can't help himself: he loves to sing. Oh, and I liked Linus in the Ocean's movies, and I liked Good Will Hunting, and the Talented Mr. Ripley. Matt Damon does some good work. BUT, I don't have a crush on Matt Damon (or Owen, or Linus, or Will, or Mr. R., for that matter). My love is reserved for Jason Bourne.

Granted, Jason Bourne would make an even worse boyfriend than Jordan Catalano, what with the psychosis and everyone trying to kill him all the time, but I'm not exactly going for reality here, so who cares.

Really, the problem with being Jason Bourne's girlfriend is the equality issue. Who wants a boyfriend who's better than you at everything -- everything -- except maybe sanity, social adjustment, and the ability to reminisce fondly over old memories? You'd be so pathetic and irrelevant -- nothing more than his female appendage, existing only to round out his character. It'd be a little like being Batman's girlfriend. He'd always be rescuing you and you'd always have to be his therapist and you'd always be the pawn the bad guys used to get at him and you'd probably die. You'd be such the girlfriend, in the true movie sense of the world. *shudder* No thanks.


Which is why it's time to move on to Karl Urban -- who, come to think of it, once played one of those bad guys who was trying to kill Jason Bourne. In fact, this isn't why I bring him up, but didn't Karl Urban play the very guy who killed Jason Bourne's long-suffering girlfriend? It sure is a small world.

But my point is, no doubt Karl Urban is a lovely person with interesting stories, and I've always wanted to visit New Zealand (which is where he's from), and he has a beautiful speaking voice, but beyond that, I don't know anything about Mr. U, and I'm indifferent. It's Eomer who is my husband.

And believe you me, in this little match-up, I would never be just the wife. I could be the Queen of Rohan, no problem, and let me tell you, a few things would change around that place. Eomer wouldn't know what hit him. "War is the province of men," my ass. Got anything else clever to say, Eomer?


Oh, scowling at me, are you? Wait 'til you see my scowl. I'll scowl that pointy helmet right off your head. I'll scowl you off that horse. Sure, you're all big and strong and stoic and good at throwing lances at monster-like creatures, but I bet if I kicked you really hard in the shins, you'd whimper.




************
It having just occurred to me that I have been yelling at a fictional character in public on my blog and referring to him as my husband, I am going to change the subject abruptly now, pretend that I am normal, and scamper off.
************

So, are you all registered to vote? Have those of you who are not old enough to vote convinced any old people to register to vote? Isn't voting the coolest?

*runs away*

26 comments:

Amanda said...

hey now, it's not that jordan catalano *can't* read. he's just a "rudimentary reader with low literacy skills." (and yes, it's been, what 14 years since that show and i do still love jordan--and still have lines from the episodes memorized. i've forgotten most other stuff from my junior high of high school, but managed to retain all of this!)

E. M. Reads said...

Ok, that was hilarious, but totally true! I have huge character crushes, too! My big one is Russell Crowe as Capt. Jack Aubrey in Master and Commander. I love him! I’d go to sea for him! Wait, that is I'd go sea for him if he were real. Drat!

Ruth said...

Way to lay the smackdown on Eomer! I've always leaned more towards literary crushes. Give me Mr. Darcy over Brad Pitt any day.

I registered to vote when I turned 18, and have voted in every primary and election since. The first election I was able to vote in was the 2000 Presidential election, and I was so excited about it that I decided to stay up until the new President-elect was announced. Big mistake. I finally gave up around 5 AM when it became clear that no one knew who had won, and that they weren't going to know for awhile.

My mother, however, is 60 years old and has never registered to vote. I've been working hard on getting her more involved this election year. She watches a lot of the political coverage with me, but is still undecided about voting. She's not really keen on either candidate. I know she would have registered to vote for Hillary if she'd been the Democratic candidate. Obama is a bit of a tough sell for her (She thinks he's too young) but I keep emphasizing that Hillary would want someone who would have supported her to support the Democratic candidate. I'm hoping I can convince her to register before the deadline here in Pennsylvania.

Aimee said...

John Cusack as Lloyd in Say Anything. I have a celebrity crush on John Cusack, too.

Jim from The Office.

Dr. Cox from Scrubs.

I like the snarky ones.

Jess said...

Giles. (Runs away blushing.)

robingarretson said...

Thank you for that! After a long and annoying day at work I needed to sit in front of my computer laughing hysterically for a while :) Eomer would totally whimper if you kicked him in the shins!

I totally have character crushes too, mostly literary :P Since the release of HP7 it's been Snape.

Ahem... Voting! Voting is awesome...I just got an email forward about women voting, and how we have not had the right for all that long, and its pathetic that we take it for granted when our grandmothers fought for it. Apparently there is a HBO special movie called "Iron Jawed Angels" that is about the fight for womens rights in the 20's. Check it out!
http://www.hbo.com/films/ironjawedangels/

Anonymous said...

My literary crushes: (Please don't laugh.) Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, Costi, and Finn.

My character crushes: Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, Legolas, Aragorn, Pippin, Johnny Depp in "Chocolat", Mr. Darcy from the 2005 version, and Robin Hood from the Disney animated movie.

Yay for Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean!

kristin cashore said...

Amanda, I stand corrected! You seem very smart. Are you, by any chance, Brain?

EM, I haven't met Capt. Jack! It sounds like I should do so immediately... but don't worry, I understand that he's yours... :o)

Ruth, that was my first election, too -- and I did *exactly* the same thing! What a weird year that was. Good luck convincing your mother -- I'm a native Pennsylvanian, and I know what an important state it is in the election! :o)

Aimee, I'm glad to hear you like the snarkies. I like the scowlies, and because of this, have often felt misunderstood by my sisterly brethren. Wait, that is not a phrase that makes sense. By my sistren. Not to be confused with my cistern, which does not, to my knowledge, have conscious understanding. (Is conscious understanding redundant? Oh, never mind.)

Jess, there is no reason on earth (or in the Hellmouth) to be embarrassed about Giles! I'm totally with you! Professorial librarian types fighting the forces of darkness... it's a no-brainer.

Robin, thanks for that link, and I couldn't agree more -- it breaks my heart, the way we take it for granted. Remember that line in the Mary Poppins song -- "Our daughters' daughters will adore us, and they'll sing in grateful chorus, 'Well done, sister suffragettes'" ? That's what everyone should be doing! Sigh...

Anonymous, if you knew some of the character crushes I *didn't* include in my post, you'd know that I never, never laugh at character crushes! :o)

kristin cashore said...

P.S. to Ruth -- I was just at the masseuse and was lying there while she massaged my scalp, and she must have knocked my thoughts into place because suddenly I was like, wait, how could 2000 possibly have been my first presidential election? I'm 32 years old! Then I did some complicated math and concluded that it was fine, because this will be my third election and a presidential term is 4 years and 3x4=12 and 32-12=20, and I *was* 20 for my first presidential election. Which conclusion proves that the earlier flash of brilliance was an isolated incident, because, um, NO, I DID THAT ALL WRONG.

Anyway. I finally remembered that in my 20th year I was studying abroad in Australia, and so I voted by absentee ballot, which didn't feel like real voting. So. My first presidential election when I went to a polling place and watched the results on TV WAS in 2000. But the rest was all wrong.

Whew. What a strain on my wits.

cindy said...

hands down, agent mulder. or david duchovny--i'll take the real deal, too. david duchovny, why don't you love me?

current crush, don draper of mad men.

novel crush, simon from tad william's memory sorrow thorn trilogy.

i also crush on my own hero, of course.

and was unhealthily fascinated with edward from twilight for a few days. had to nip that one in the bud. haha!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for not laughing, Kristin. :-)

--Sycamore (I have only just noticed your request that us anonymous people leave some sort of name.)

kristin cashore said...

Cindy, I'm with you on Agent Mulder! :o)

And Sycamore, thanks for introducing yourself! Nice to meet you. :o)

Anonymous said...

Nora Diniro from the movie Pump Up the Volume was probably my version of Jordan Catalano. I also liked Marie from the Bourne Identity--I figure if she could put up with his issues, mine would pale in comparison; plus, nobody's trying to kill me (that I know of). Hrmmm, I suppose the woman who runs the daily coyote is not a fictional character, but she might as well be--I mean, I only know her as the person who takes pics and writes about Charlie the coyote (I'm not sure if my crush is on her so much as Charlie-her-and-the-tomcat):
http://dailycoyote.blogspot.com

cat11 said...

I just met Po this weekend...yikes! He's on par with Jacqueline Carey's Joscelin Verreuil; both sensitive warrior-prince types dealing with talented, independent and opinionated women. One of my other favorites is a bit more obscure: Ellis Peters' Olivier de Bretagne (from The Virgin in the Ice). The problem is trying to find someone to live up to them in the real world!

kristin cashore said...

cat11, I don't know Joscelin Verreuil, but I totally know Olivier de Bretagne!! He shows up in a later book, too, did you know? I'm racking my brain, which one was it? Rats, I totally can't remember. I like Hugh Beringar, myself, and my favorite book so far in the series is Dead Man's Ransom. Anyway, thanks for commenting! :o)

Robin said...

I agree with "Anonymous," I have never been as lovesick as I was after I "met" Edward Cullen.

But Po from Graceling has been on my mind in some of the most inopportune moments of late. *blush*

Neo from the Matrix.

Jordan Catalano...yummy.

Kimmie said...

My character crush is Numair from Tamora Pierce's The Immortals series, I think I found a decent celebrity representative of him too: Adrian Brody.

I also like George Cooper from Song of the Lioness Quartet.... *drool*

And I agree with Ruth, Mr. Darcy is omg wonderful.

Anonymous said...

i agree.. jordan catalano is yummy! and i am completely in love with dr mcdreamy! oh my!
but i really agree with kimmie... mr darcy would be divine! and would be truly wonderful!
but my secret crush is my favorite which i would totally tell you but i cant ...it would no longer be my secret and then all the fun and mystery might disappear and then i would have to find someone else for my secret crush...

jh

agustina said...

Let me just say that apart from the many crushes I have the ones that I have you to blame (in the nice sense LOL) are Po, Raffin, Archer and Brigan. Very different characters with extremely different personalities but if ANY of them existed in real life I would fall in love immediately,(blush) thank you!

Amy said...

The first boy I ever loved was Mac Campbell from Rose in Bloom. He was a bookworm, and I thought he was pretty much the greatest thing ever.

Marcy said...

First, can I just say this is awesome? Your abrupt change of subject amused me to no end. Also, I'm friends with a married couple who refer to themselves as Eowyn and Faramir. Mostly online, but it's still cute.

Cindy, I like Simon too! Fun to find another Memory, Sorrow and Thorn fan on here. Even though you posted that a year ago and will never see this...

My first TV character crush I can remember is Marcus from Babylon 5. Man, I had it bad. =) Perhaps I still do, I began typing up several quotes of his before I stopped myself. Wouldn't have had space left for my other character crushes.

Then there's Oz, of course. Topher, from Dollhouse. He's got this problem with a lack of morality, but he's getting better. Or he was, I'm three episodes behind. And he has a "drawer of inappropriate starches"! Helo from Battlestar. Oh, and Logan from Veronica Mars, even though he would be at least as bad of a boyfriend as he was in the show, coming from a screwed-up acting family. He was still awesome. "Annoy, tiny blond one. Annoy like the wind!" Speaking of unhealthy relationships, one can't forget Spike...

And then there's the literary crushes, I must have at least as many of them, but for some reason they don't come to mind quite as quickly. Po and Brigan! Faramir. I can't remember his name at the moment (how's that for a strong crush?), but a character from The Host. Tiarnan from The Wolf Hunt. Dream in The Sandman, although he obviously has his issues and I haven't read many of the volumes yet. Valek in Poison Study.

Good grief. I should just stop now; that's not even close to a year's worth of crushes, and I seem to have one for practically every well-written hero I've ever read. Possibly some that weren't well-written, too!

Coldplaygirl said...

My literary crushes: Eragon from the Inheritance series. Ian from The Host. Edward, obviously. All of Kristin's heroes - Po, Brigan, Archer (and Raffin a bit too. I mean, he accidentally dyed his hair blue in pursuit of a medicinal remedy. Hilarious and cute). Artemis Fowl (wow, that one was from when I was in elementary school...).

Character crushes: Legolas, Aragorn, Drew Bayler from Elizabethtown, Jake Sully from the new movie Avatar - if you haven't seen that yet, you have to ASAP! - and Captain Jack Sparrow, too. Oh, and I had a mini-crush on Spock the first time I saw Star Trek. But I'm over him. :)

Jillian said...

My friend, I've just stumbled upon your blog after finishing Graceling (and loving it!) and I have to add that I now have a crush on Po. It's not just Katsa who goes all crazy when he rolls those sleeves up. And how great is a man who can read your mind and know exactly what you want?

Lilli said...

Jamie Fraser from the Outlander series. Joscelin from Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel series. Po.

elodie said...

Oh yes I think that's a current thing to have character crushes. we don't know the actor but we know their roles!
Personnally this year, I have a HUGE crush on Alan Rickman as Severus Snape, I'm so obsesed with him it's scary for my mental sanity (but I love Lucius Malfoy because Jason Isaacs) and Alexander Skarsgard as ERIC Northman in True Blood (and the book). And Dustfinger in Inkheart...and, and... They are so many amasing character!!

if I have to choose a character in LOTR, my crush would be Faramir ^^

Mia said...

Haha, I just finished reading Grceling and I totally loved it! I couldn't stop myself from giggling like a lovesick puppy....

I have a really huge crush on Po.... and on Edward Cullen....... Thankyou for that blog, It's a big relief to know that I'm not the only one who feels these kind of things.... If Graceling were a movie.... I'm begging you Kristin, to choose a character for Po and Katsa that are very very good looking!!! Or else it would break my heart... hahaha.... I was kidding, not totally though :)